Highly Reflective But Not Terribly Absorbing

Being against the idea of special privilege (or rather for the notion of extending all unearned privileges to groups which don't currently enjoy them), I do find the pride I take in keeping my pale skin pale somewhat shameful.  I've committed to being a single color all over for aesthetic reasons, and the color I've chosen is that of the flesh I've never exposed to the sun.  What this means is essentially that I am the only American who actually checks the day's UV index and follows associated government recommendations on sun exposure.  I am a clinical paranoid about invisible rays touching me.

There's some practicality in it--my father suffers skin cancer scares every few years.  There is an extent to which I fear aging, "losing my looks", and death, all at levels disproportionate to their objective harm.  Some of it is about a romantic idea of [racist & classist, obv.] beauty standards from the Western past and from parts of the world today where being upper-class means you can afford to avoid laboring in the hot sun all day.  And some of it is simply that I burn very easily, and each of the things I put on my skin or in my body--retinol, benzoyl peroxide, glycolic acid, ibuprofen, rosemary, lime--causes increased sun sensitivity.  Some of it is the idea of privacy, that no one but people I choose have a right to see my bare skin, and that I won't change it to suit a current fashion for non-blueness.  And there's a good deal of sexuality, too--the more that's covered, the more sensual it is to reveal anything. 

This is far from the only area in which my need for self-esteem or pleasure comes in conflict with what I think is right.  What I think would be right for anyone who can pass as white (or male, or upper-class, or able, &c.) is not some kind of decontextualized "play" with race, one that can be put on and taken off as a matter of convenience, but an aggressive campaign to confuse and destroy racial boundaries in every walk of life.  I want white people to black up for job interviews, court dates, and realtors, to adopt indigenous beauty standards, to refigure racial slurs to refer only to each other--all of them with perfect knowledge and perfect love.

But, importantly, I am much less a radical than I am a coward, and I have what I hope is a laudable desire to avoid hurting anyone who may already have it rough. The effect is like that of a mildly racially-aware media executive who, fearing accusations of racism if he allows the portrayal of any person of color, utterly whitewashes ad campaigns, films, and television imagery.  Basically I am the human equivalent of indie music.