Solipsist

Perhaps one of the reasons I am so godawful as a lesbian--why I fell so fast and so hard for cock--is that I can't get the makeup down.  I heard the "lesbian look" described (of pre-outcoming Mary Cheney and Candace Gingrich; perhaps it would be more accurate to call this look "passing spinster"), in something I read in the early 2000s -- maybe a memoir of  Ron Reagan Jr. -- as little to nothing around the eyes or on the cheeks, with plain lipstick, viz.:

Pearls optional, unless you're in politics.  

I kind of have something against lipstick.  While my eyes continue to get flashier and madder, lipstick still codes as Trying Too Hard to the buried high school butch in me who still judges all my outfits.  Also, I have mildly asymmetrical lips, and applying a color to them inflames my OCD something terrible.  Wait, not OCD.  What's the one where you self-diagnose with psychiatric disorders?  Oh yes--hypochondria.  But never wearing something has certainly not stopped me from hoarding it, and so I have many lipsticks, nail polishes, pieces of jewelry, pairs of high-ass heels, belts, purses, bits of string, and the like.  These next pictures represent the portion of that collection I could be arsed to apply and quickly snap two photos of.

My lips with nothing on top.

Glosses:

Clear (maybe slightly red?) apple-flavored lip gloss.  Mmmm.

Some drugstore frosted gloss.  Unimpressive-looking, sticky, overpoweringly vanilla-scented.

These are some of my favorites, from Medusa's Makeup--magenta (Smooch) and red (Talk Talk), both with gold and copper sparks.  The purple somehow manages to match my lip color beautifully, and the red is just right for looking sexy but not overdone.  They smell pretty bad and the wands are difficult to work with. 

This one was a freebie from Everyday Minerals, some kind of tube of orange-hued chapstick.  This is another thing I object to about lipstick: my choice of hues, if I want to maintain some self-respect, is limited to the chunk of the spectrum between orange and purple, and that's dull to me.

Liners:

A frosty pink Barry M pencil I mainly use to highlight around the eyes.  Alarmingly metallic, but good under a translucent colored gloss. 

Another orange tone, this brick-colored drugstore pencil is soft and slightly emollient, making it a terrible choice as a liner. 

This looked to me like it would match my lips, but in fact it is dreadful.

Lipsticks:

This one is sort of a medium brown in the tube, called "Divine Wine."  Dark lipstick supposedly makes you look older.  I still think I would make a pretty good goth.

My best Elena Kagan.

 Another sort of matchy berry bronzey metallic thing. I am falling asleep.

Now, this is my favorite thing to do to my lips.  It's just a crimson stain, applied from the center of the mouth and faded outwards.  It makes me feel totally sex.

Also, incidentally, my skin is looking fantastic here, by the standards of my skin.