every pair of shoes in the place

Fucking...SHOES.  Look, I like shoes, I do.  But the amount of shoes I have is unconscionable.  I do not like shoes to this extent.  Indeed, I never wear most of these shoes, due to bad fit (I order online) or because I dislike the style.  Note that the 56 pairs of shoes depicted here do not represent my entire shoe collection; another 15 or so pairs (ones I like better) are in my partner's house. 

I've seen some bloggers--lightweights--simply take pictures of all their shoes lined up against a wall, and then say "lol, I have a shoe problem".  How these wretches hope to solve their problems without rigorous psychological analysis, examining the history of each shoe, its problems, and the emotional response it creates, is beyond me. 

Shoes I wear

Sketchers gladiator-style. 

Clarks Indigo, just dandy.  Size 7 1/2, but roomy enough to wear for an evening.

Slightly too small.

The closest I've come to matching my skin tone in a shoe.  Not particularly close.  Børn. 

Poorly made, but adorable--Steve Madden. 

I wear these Sketchers all the time.  God, I feel like someone's mother. 

Shoes I wore for so long that I just got plain tired of wearing them

Previously my go-to tennis shoes.  Sketchers.

A bit pilgrimy.  Gabriella Rocha.

These are probably my most worn shoes, from Lane Bryant.  Traded them later for a nearly identical pair with a lower heel.

For some reason I haven't really worn these Timberlands since I swapped out the laces.  Oh, that's right--the laces look ridiculous.

These are nice and comfortable and good-looking and all, but they have an air cushion in the heel and the sound of it puffing with every step was making me go all Telltale Heart.

Also Sketchers.  Sketchers are very cheap. 

It may surprise you to learn that these are from the 90s.  Your monocle may pop and everything. 

Wore these to bike to work every day one summer.  The toebox is well crushed in. 

Overly dowdy.

Shoes I would like to wear

If only these fit in some way!  Tsubo.

Nothing to wear these satin shoes to or with.

I do wear these, more often than not--I just suffer because they're undersized and pointy.

No amount of inserts will keep me from just walking out of these.  Tempted to just try tying them on with string.

Good and Matrixy, but no side zippers and far too many laces.

For some reason, these are my favorite among the fake leather platforms I own.  Bongo. 

These are almost there, but the heel's in the wrong place with respect to my center of balance.

Noticed these after taking all the rest of these pictures.  I have an actual proper sale story for them, which I won't bore you with. (Briefly: These were on sale.)  Sweet little things, but they deserve a kookier owner with slimmer legs. 

Shoes I would like to want to wear
Numerous brown and black tennis shoes with copper accents, purchased out of a sense of obligation to have neutral walking shoes.  Mainly discarded because pressure on the top of my arch causes my toes to go numb.  I suggest just moving along.

I thought these would be good--indie oxford style--but they look weird due to the chunky heel and they are narrow at the toe and too wide at the heel.

Oh, I want to like you, Camper bowling shoe, but you are cartoonishly ugly.

Shoes that are ugly and I hate them

Keens.  Awful.

Crocs.

Bass.  While these my look similar to other shoes I like more, I assure you, I like these less. 

Shoes that are size 7 1/2 while my feet are size 8
This isn't a vanity thing; I genuinely believed that this was my size at some point, or it was, or I was trying to keep shoes firm on my heel and ignoring the slow gangrenous crippling of my toes. 

These are really astonishingly painful to cram my foot into, even briefly. 

Not particularly painful, but the vamp is too low for them to make any concession towards remaining on my feet.

Shoes that are size 9 and up while my feet are size 8

Now this one is vanity.

Probably the oldest shoe I still own, dating from middle school.  Denim, Mainframe brand.

Size 9.5, from a thrift store.  I loved them too much to care that they are massive and burdened with five pounds of rubber sole each.  Worn with two or three pairs of socks. 

Shoes I have never worn outside the house even once

Strange little things.  They've gotten crispy from disuse, like old paper.  Baci.
 

Another Steve Madden, bought to match a dress I also never wear.  Feel like they would hurt.
 

Also Baci.  I don't know, I like them.  To look at, on a shelf. 

Shoes that are not the color of my skin

Similar to the Keens, but less hateful. 

One of my first attempts at a my-skin-colored shoe, on the grounds that it would "lengthen" the appearance of my leg in summer dresses.  I am highly susceptible to being convinced I have numerous figure faults that can be corrected via color or tailoring.  They invite unflattering comparison with my actual skin tone. 

Shoes that have really harmed me

Wore these to an expo baseball game in Arizona in the summer, along with a swim coverup, long pants, a wide-brimmed hat, and copious sunblock.  I forget what happened in the game, obviously, but I'll always remember the neck of the man seated in front of me.  It looked like bacon just out of the fryer.  Anyway, my shoes drew blood from several of my toes.

These took a lot of my blood.  I had to do a fair amount of walking to get to a class, and I was out of band-aids.  The insides and tops of the heels are still stained nearly black from all of it. 

Not the shoes that hurt me, but a replica pair in a smaller size. Danskos are meant to fit loose on the heel, for shock absorption.  They are not indicated for running down a sidewalk for the sheer joy of running, arms full of heavy books.  Involuntary somersault, plus now my knee makes a funny sound when I ascend stairs.  The replica pair I abandoned when I decided I didn't always want to look like a  gothloli doll.

These oversized sandals have by far my favorite shoe injury story.  I was setting off some illegal fireworks in a dry field with some friends, when someone spotted a rapidly-approaching car.  Fearing it was the police, everyone piled into Sam's truck.  I had my hand on the bumper when it peeled out, and tripped a couple times in the soft sand chasing after it before someone got Sam to stop for me.  I incurred a sprained ankle and a hand-sized abrasion on my calf, which was filled with grit.  Later, I claimed I had fallen down in the yard while watering the plants. 

Crap shoes

What am I, getting married?  In the Old West?  The ribbon lacing here is purely decorative and cannot serve to adjust the boots' fit.  

Awful and very cheap-looking, with severe fit problems instantly apparent.  Why did I not return them?  I have no idea. 

Probably the crappest shoes I own, pursued for a possible Claire from out of The Breakfast Club halloween costume.  "$25 boots on eBay?" I said to myself.  "That's an investment I can afford to take for a costume!"  They are so shit that there is a mismatch of the number of rings and eyelets on one, but not the other.  I shudder to think what hellish factory conditions they were made in.  Though I'm sure that's true for all of these. 

I certainly can get these on my feet, but it's about ten minutes' work.  They are pre-distressed, rather than accidentally tipped into some sewage.  I liked the romanticism of this kind of post-apocalyptic grunge look, but in practice I usually would rather not look like I have been living on radioactive gophers for the past five years. 

General follies

Fredericks of Hollywood pumps.  Don't quite match anything, and are too silly.

My partner says that polka dots hurt his eyes.

Demonia.  Wore them once with a white dress and a parasol.  Too many funny looks; felt downright goth. 

If it is cold enough to wear these, it is too goddamn cold to be out of doors. 

More Fredericks pumps...I think I could probably wear them if I used the ribbon to bind them to my feet in a serious way.

And two more: my favorite shoes, and the last shoes I bought.

Timberland Charles Street.  I do hope they keep making these for a while.

Also Danskos, with another ominous loose heel.  I bought them because, well, they look nice, but also because I am so much of a pushover that if I ask a clerk to get shoes in my size for me, and they are remotely tolerable, I feel bad if I don't buy them from that clerk. 

Okay, so, what have I learned?  I've learned that, um...

...

Balls.